I first met S. some 5 years ago when she was leaving a toxic relationship with a violent partner. S. may well be the single most talented woman I have ever met. Still, 5 years later, while things have changed for her also, she has barely moved forward; and she is not making use of her prodigious talents. Like everyone, S. has her challenges and blessings; the challenges are considerable, so, too, are the blessings. S. still lives with a burning regret for the person she was before; before meeting her abusive partner, before the children, before the weight went on, before so many things. She may, or may not, have been as strong, independent and self-reliant as she thinks she once was. More importantly, she is nowhere near as helpless, hopeless and resource-less as she now believes she is. It is as if, in her own eyes, she alone does not deserve to entertain even the occasional positive thought. S.s abusive partner behaved towards her in a predictably vile way. He blamed her for everything; for his problems, their children, her behaviour, her health problems. It was one of those you name it, shes to blame for it situations. S. ended up believing that pretty much everything must be her fault one way or another. Five years on, she still blames herself and her circumstances. What happened to her was never her fault. Nor are any of the difficulties that she is experiencing now her fault. It never was a question of fault or blame. S. is simply one of those good people to whom bad things and bad people have happened. (As have good things, and good people, also.) Unfortunately, hers is not a mind-set that empowers her to move on. Nor does it offer her children a role model that will help make them less vulnerable, in their turn to abusers. Whoever it was who said: With one leg in the past and one foot in the future, you can only urinate on the present was right. With one eye firmly on her past perceived shortcomings and the other on the bleak future that she knows (and how, pray, can she know for sure?) will surely come to pass, she is blind to all the opportunities and satisfactions that the present might afford her. There can be no doubt that her ex-partner is responsible or, if you prefer, to blame for his deplorable treatment of her. There can be no doubt that he, like her parents, conditioned her to view her world in terms of fault and blame. As long as she remains with that viewpoint she perpetrates her victim mind-set. Yes, of course she has been victimized. Now, her recovery hinges on her challenging and rejecting the victim mind-set. Because things have happened to her that should not happen to anyone, that does not mean that in the future she will be denied the same satisfactions, joys and possibilities that are available to other people. It has been different for her in the past. But there is no reason why it should be in the future. She can yet move from the stagnant holding pool of abuse, back into the mainstream. In fact, Victims blame, victors learn is a quotation from the truly inspirational One Minute Millionaire by Mark Victor Hansen and Robert G. Allen. Victims blame, while victors learn that, irrespective of what has already happened, they can have the same rights, hopes and dreams as other people. They learn the tricks and techniques that will enable them not to be paralysed by negativity, by their membership of the Ahbutt clan and who hasnt been an honorary member of the Ah but or yes, but clan at some low point in their life? Victors learn how to focus on the positives and start to experiment with self-acceptance and self-love. They learn to harness the awesome power of their subconscious. They learn that other peoples opinions, however negative they may be, are only opinions. And they bear in mind, at all times, that as Clint Eastwood famously said: Opinions are like a**holes; everybodys got one. So that another persons damning opinion simply becomes a kind of metaphorical a**hole. Somewhere along the line, I guess, like S., I acquired a map of a black and white world in which victors were people who won out by making others their victims. I felt then, and still do, that I wouldnt want to be part of any group that oppresses others. But were not talking about politics here, simply about the status you choose for yourself in your own life. Suppose the battle that the victor has to win in their own life only entails slaying old demons and laying claim to personal happiness and self-worth. Suppose also, that your choice will harm and deprive no one. Rather, it may actually liberate other people, starting with your nearest and dearest. Would you then be happy, and proud to be a victor? One of the first things that victors learn on their journey is that they really dont have to make do with the second-hand beliefs, values and judgements that people foist on them. They can choose their own terms and values. They start from the premise that past and or/present mistakes in no way diminish them. They are always good enough, exactly as they are. Victors memories of their own past suffering leads them to show compassion and care towards others who are suffering; without having to join their ranks. Victors deal with the difficulties and face up to challenges, and still celebrate all the good things that they and their loved ones experience. That being the case, are you ready to place yourself on the victors side of the fence? (2006) Annie Kaszina |
