Nearly everyone claims to want a great relationship with their significant other. But what do they do? Same old thing over and over, and then wonder why it all went bad.

There's no such thing as a free lunch. Everything has a cost, whether it's in dollars, time, trouble or work. And relationships are no different. A good, no, a great, relationship doesn't happen by accident.

Too many people get all caught up in the dizzy craziness of early love and start to think it should always be like that - that weird magic and incredible obsession of the beginning of a relationship. Inevitably, people move beyond it and that's when it's critical to pay attention and start building the real thing.

Has the passion started to ooze away? Intimacy and passion in relationships is not only important but also a vital part of keeping a relationship healthy. Couples need to enjoy being together in an intimate way. When there's trouble, maybe the last thing either person wants is to be sexual or passionate with each other, but this is a part of the healing and rebuilding of the relationship. It may be awkward in the beginning, but it is crucial.

Do something to make your intimate time together special. Surprise your mate with a warm bubble bath, lighted candles, soft music, and a bottle of wine, or reserve a nice romantic evening at a local hotel with a wonderful candlelit dinner, fine wine, and a beautiful room.

Since men sometimes have difficulty figuring out how to show their feelings, here's a few items that can make a woman feel good:

• Tell her how beautiful she is

• Compliment her on her many skills (and be specific about this, it's important)

• Try leaving the toilet seat down (sounds silly but it drives some woman nuts)

• Tell her how much she means to you

• Let her know that she is your best friend

• Be affectionate with her in front of family and friends

• Let her know that you think she's sexy

Despite that moronic movie, if you want to have a relationship with any staying power, you have to be able to say you're sorry. People fight, even lovers. But there are no winners. If you make a mistake by doing or saying something that is hurtful or damaging to the relationship, say that you are sorry. Right away.

Many people struggle with these words, even when they know that what they did was wrong. It takes a strong (and smart) person to apologize. No waiting, say it immediately, and with sincerity. When couples argue, that long period of silence actually makes the anger and tension worse. You need to let your mate know immediately that you made a mistake and ask for forgiveness.

You don't need to drive yourself crazy with this, but pay attention to how your relationship is going. Open your eyes and take stock of what is and is not working. Are there definite things missing or definite problem areas that need to be worked on? Think about it. If you invest in the stock market, you pay attention to what is going on so you can make changes if needed. Your relationship is far more than the stock market but requires some of the same strategies.

Being aware can help you stop problems early and find new ways to make your relationship better. We tend to stop seeing things when they become routine. We build habits because they make our life easier and simpler - or so it seems. But when it comes to relationship, intimacy and passion, those routines and habits will kill them dead in time. Surprise, imagination, novelty, doing something unexpected and different will all help keep a relationship fresh.

Sten Olsin

Sten has had a lifelong interest in how people work, how they think and how they can do things better. He has an extensive background (and a PhD) in clinical psychology and therapy and spent a significant portion of his life practicing in the field. Later, he became involved in training for employment and teaching. While he continues to teach offline, he's also interested in more widely sharing what he's learned and discovered. His writings focus on personality, personal philosophy and relationships. He has come to believe that we can make significant improvements in our lives through maintaining our awareness of what we're doing and using the many ideas and concepts that continuously are discovered and rediscovered throughout history. While there may not be much that is truly new, people's tendency to continue doing the same old things over and over when there are ways available to build a better life and better relationships creates a massive need for restating the old to make it new again.